Since becoming self employed, starting an online business and starting a blog, I’ve found myself becoming increasingly and increasingly eager to do more and achieve more. Followers, likes, comments, amount of books read, projects to start (and probably not finish), money to raise for charity, more “stuff” to implement into my business. More and more and more stuff for me to do – whether I have the time to do it or not. I’m highly a Type A personality, I thrive off of organisation, getting stuff done, meeting deadlines and projects and often spend near enough the whole day from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed doing some kind of work related “thing”. Is this healthy? Probably not. But I never, ever used to be like this. Nowhere near.
I was always good in school. Always got my work done on time, always completed my homework and my homework was never late. So I’ve always had that “streak” in me. But back then I was handling it. It was healthy. I was a good kid who never got into trouble and just wanted to get her work completed on time and get semi-decent grades (which I did). But back then, I didn’t have the pressure of self-employment hanging over my head, urging me to do more, do more, do more. I did what was required of me, I did it to the best of my ability and moved on. If it was good enough, great! If it wasn’t, meh, I would learn.
But like all tings, life moved on and here I am at 24 unable to feel satisfied or a sense of achievement at anything I’m doing because I have this frantic woman in my head telling me I need to be starting a new project or blog every single day or get involved in more stuff that I know I don’t have the time or the energy for. There’s absolutely no doubt that self-employment has lead me into this somewhat dizzying hole; the fact that I am my own boss, I need to make my own money, I need to grow my own blog, I need to expand my own business, I need people to see me as a trustworthy source of business and there’s absolutely nobody – NOBODY – to do any of that for me. Except me.
It’s got to a worrying stage where nothing feels good enough. I don’t have enough followers, I’m not getting enough views, I’m not earning enough money, I’m not making a big enough name for myself. I want more. I’m not satisfied with my blog; even though deep down I know it’s good and I’m really proud of it. And please don’t for a second think this is all about money. It’s not and to me, nothing ever will be. There’s far more important things in life than money and I am probably the least materialistic person you will ever meet. I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought anything for myself. All my money goes straight into savings and that’s where it stays unless there’s an emergency.
It’s about personal satisfaction. Personal growth. And that’s where I’m feeling like I’m stagnating at this point in time. There wasn’t really an aim to this post, I’m most certainly not offering any wise advice for anyone else who feels this way because I’m definitely not in a position to be doing that. I just wanted to get it off my chest as it’s something that’s been niggling away at me for a very long time. I don’t want sympathy or praises (unless you genuine have something to say then please, say it), I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Maybe connect with someone who feels the same or has felt the same in the past. I hope you haven’t. But if you have, let’s discuss it.
Oh goodness, yes! I feel like this ALL.THE.TIME! I have that same voice in my head telling me not to slack off, to start on this, to do this, that I’m not doing enough. I constantly feel like I’m playing catch-up with everything and I never really switch off or allow myself to relax. I’m aware it’s not healthy, but I have no idea what to do about it. Maybe it’s something to do with our Type A personalities?
I think you’re right Aimee! I can never switch off either, always feel like I should be doing more or writing another post or reading more or I dunno just something. Definitely think it’s a type A thing!
I can so relate to this. Thank you for writing it x
You’re very welcome x
What a great title! Made me click straight away. You’re a couple of years younger than me (sob) and – this is in no way intended to sound patronising – I think you’re just at a very confusing age where we do feel like nothing we do is good enough. Certainly I felt like that a couple of years ago, particularly around my writing and my job, and I still have doubts but over the last couple of years I have mellowed around that sort of worry. Something I’ve been finding really helps me de-stress lately is meditation/self-hypnosis videos on YouTube – I listen to them before bed and not only does it get me off to sleep in literally about 10 minutes, it also gives me a great night’s sleep where I’m not waking up all the time like I used to. I’ve also been getting up much earlier and having a less stressful morning (but not so much a less stressful day unfortunately, but that’s because we’re short-staffed and underpaid and all that stuff…!). So maybe that would help you? (Plus they’re free!) In terms of ‘not feeling good enough’, I think it’s just a case of doing it your way and not worrying too much about how people think of you/how many people follow you etc. But obviously that’s easier said than done!
I do hope you’re right! I’d love to try those meditation videos. I briefly tried meditation before but just didn’t know what I was doing!
Just lie there with your eyes closed and listen 🙂 some are better than others though so I see what you mean! X
I’m split between wanting to be perfect and not having the energy to be so. I always try and split myself between too many projects: I need to blog, tweet, edit, write, research, get the job, be the best. You need to force yourself to congratulate and celebrate the goals you reach, or else you’ll just move to the next one. Force yourself to buy something nice and do something for you, because hopefully one day that’s means you’ll do it without prompting. It’s a cycle and I guess you just need to tell that voice that everything it wants isn’t possible. Just haven’t managed that yet 😛
(Wow that turned out as long as the blog itself XD).
Hahaha whoops! I get you enough, I’m very much the same, always needing to do something or be something or start something and end up starting projects I know I don’t have time for etc etc it’s exhausting! But great idea about ensuring you celebrate the small goals – I’ll defo try and take that on board!