Dear friend…

Dear friend,

I’m not writing this for your benefit. I doubt you’ll ever see it. I’m writing it because I feel I need to for my own sake. I feel like I need to, to finally get all my thoughts out and in a way, find closure. Because that’s all that’s left now, isn’t it? There’s no salvaging this one anymore.

And the sad thing is, there’s no real reason why. You didn’t kiss my boyfriend behind my back or make fun of me or any typical “thing” that may cause a friendship to split up. You didn’t do anything. But I think that’s the problem. You did nothing at all. If you do read this, you’ll probably know who you are but I don’t want an explanation.

You were my oldest friend and one of the only friends I still had left after I was diagnosed with anxiety, disappeared off the planet and was barely seen again. Everyone else gave up on me, called me a bad friend and didn’t bother inviting me places anymore because chances are, I was going to say no because my anxiety stopped me doing so much stuff. That really fucking hurt. But you were still there and we still saw each other. Not often but it was enough.

We got older – naturally – and life got in the way a bit. As it does for everyone. New boyfriends, new lifestyles, babies, jobs – you name it. But we still managed occasionally. Until one day, we didn’t. I still remember the last time I saw you – I was going through a really, really shit time and my mental health was in tatters. You told me you’re always about if I needed to chat and that’s probably the biggest lie anyone has ever told me.

After that, I tried to get in touch with you; text, WhatsApp, Facebook you name it. I messaged you over 6 times in the space of a year and you ignored me. You sent me a letter apologising and that you hoped we could meet up again and I was thrilled – if not a bit confused. Then guess what? The same thing happened again. I was ignored. You don’t even bother saying happy birthday to me any more.

I have no doubt that you’ve probably been through tough times too. They always put a strain on friendships and I get that and I know that sometimes you have to pick your priorities. But we could have been there for each other and whatever I was going through and whatever you were going through, we could have both had a friend for a bit of support. But for some reason, you didn’t want that. I had done nothing wrong. I know that for a fact. If I’ve done something wrong to someone, it plays on my mind so I would know if I had upset you in some way.

But I hadn’t. I’ve never done anything wrong which is what hurts the most. I would have loved to have been there for you with whatever shit you were going through. And I would have loved to still have a friend –  one of the very, very few I have now. I know friendships naturally split sometimes and that’s fine but I didn’t deserve to be completely and utterly ignored for a year and a half. Only then to be ignored again. It’s not fair.

I wish you well with everything; whatever it is you’re doing now. I hope you’re doing okay and that your lovely little family is fine. I really do. I’m sorry you felt the need to cut me out of your life so suddenly, so maliciously and so certainly. And I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you – even thought I know I haven’t. I know you probably don’t think about me at all any more – I’ll just be that invisible space where a friend used to be. But I think about you sometimes and it makes me sad. And it makes me sadder that one of the longest and most solid friendships I had is unceremoniously over.

Jenny

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61 thoughts on “Dear friend…

  1. I’ve been where you’re at with this person. It’s been a couple of years now, but the hurt is still there. Reading your letter reminds me an awful lot of how I felt back then, because it sounds like almost the same thing happened. Life happened.
    I hope it’ll stop hurting one day, that I’ll stop thinking about it one day but I honestly doubt it will. That person did so much for me throughout the years that I’m still reminded of him every once in a while, doing something or seeing something that was simply.. Us.

    I hope you feel even the littlest bit better now that you had a way to let it all out, although it wasn’t to the person directly.

    Take care of yourself, Jenny!

  2. Take care of yourself jenny. Stay strong. There are some nice people out there somewhere and people who will accept you for you. I don’t know you but from what i see on your blog you are a lovely person. xxXxx

  3. Pingback: Dear friend… | Campbells World

  4. Oh jenny *hugs* this letter is so heartfelt and sorrowful. And I do understand – one of my oldest friends has not bothered with me for a year. I’ve tried and tried but it seems like she doesn’t need or want me any more. I think it’s even harder when they don’t give you a proper explanation, isn’t it? When you have a big fall out and have anger, at least you have that to point to when you ask yourself why you’re no longer friends. I hope that your blogging friends go in some way to helping you feel less alone, but I completely understand that it’s no replacement for real life friends who you can call on any time. This is a tough one so I’m sending thoughts of books and blankets and hugs.

    • Awh thank you and I totally agree, at least when you have an argument or something it shows that you do still care in a way as opposed to being cut out completely and for no reason. I’ve tired to pretend I’m not bothered anymore but I am and I probably always will be.

  5. I hear you hunny! I’ve been through this and I’m going through this right now – it’s a horrible feeling cus like you I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and I miss them. But at the same time they obviously weren’t very good friends to begin with if they are able to ignore us so easily! I don’t know why I don’t have a best friend other than my husband and I don’t know why I’m not part of a “girl gang”. I think I’m nice and thoughtful and funny and a very good friend to others.
    Great post Jenny and I’m sorry you’ve lost your friend but I know how you feel and it really hurts! X

    • I’m sorry to hear you’ve had the same happen to you. It really does suck. I’m not part of any gang or have a group of friends anymore either and it makes me so sad but the old friends I had clearly drifted and we weren’t compatible anymore xxx

      • Yeah it’s funny when I was a teenager my mum always said “friends come and go, but family stay together” and it used to really annoy me and yet she was so right (I hate when my mother’s right!) xx

  6. Ohhhh. It`s been such a touching post. I think most of us had this horrible experience of loosing our great friend for no reason. It happened to me too and I really understand what you feel. It`s not our fault at all and some people just change and quit their friendships. Stay strong and don`t be upset. After the end of my great friendship I realised that maybe she wasn`t my real real friend. I would never turn my back on her and I believe a real friendship is forever no matter what horrible things are happening in our lives.

  7. I’m so sorry that you had to go through the distancing of a friendship in this way. Season, reason or lifetime – that’s what friends are for. I hope that you’ll be able to move on from this and wish you both well xx You’ve really poured your heart out here, thank you for the honesty.

  8. I hope it helps you putting it in to words it’s a horrible feeling but sometimes you just grow apart and can’t find a way back I know I’ve experienced that. Take care of you 💋 X

  9. I’ve been in the same situation years ago & it still hurts. Not so much though. I believe time will heal all the scars 🙂 it does get better. Those kinds of people never really were those true friends in life.

    ~ Jasmin N
    // littlethingswithjassy.com

  10. Jenny, you have this amazing talent for putting your experiences into words so that they chime with me. My (then) best friend also stopped communicating with me one day, for no reason that I can think of. Like your friend, they said they’d always be there for me and yet when my mother died, they went off to America for three months. Ummm, what???? I’m so sorry you still think about your friend (I still do mine) but I recognise it’s wasted energy because there are so many other friends that don’t treat us this way. I wish I could say it’s a lesson learned but I can’t because I still don’t know what I did to be cut out of her life. Anyway, sorry for rambling on. Just please know that you are lovely and you deserve much better than you got from your friend. X

    Lisa | http://www.lisasnotebook.com

  11. This made me so sad but it’s something I can really relate to. I feel so awful knowing that they gave you that little bit of false hope and then just messed you over again, that’s so unkind. I know people drift apart and whatever, but actively ignoring someone is a different thing. I am really sorry you were treated like this, but hopefully you now have more time to find the people who deserve to have someone as wonderful as you in their life xx

    • I know, she sent me a hand written letter in a card saying how she knows she’s cut people out and she’s been going through stuff but we can meet up again. Which I was totally fine with. But then I messaged her after that and nothing. It’s completely ridiculous xxx

  12. Oh Jenny i really feel you on this. I’m in the same feeling with a lot of my friends, i used to have such a close knit group of friends but slowly and surely everyone stopped bothering and it sucks! Sending hugs! X

  13. I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. At times, when we need them most, some people will simply refuse to be there. I have had a similar situation happen to me – when I fell ill with my mental illness, my friendship group dissipated and I was completely alone. It can be awful, but we just have to hope that better people will come along in our lives. xox

    • Literally the same thing happened to me. When my anxiety was at its worst and I could barely leave the house my “best friend” told me I was a bad friend because I didn’t go out clubbing for her birthday when I could barely step food in my garden, let alone a club. People just don’t even try and understand sometimes and it’s always about them. I’m sorry that happened to you as well, I know exactly how it feels to be cut off when you most desperately need friends xxx

  14. This is so sad. With time, the pain will fade and I’m sure you’ll find other much much better friends who will stay by you through thick and thin. Just continue being your awesome self!🤗❤

  15. Oh Jenny, my heart really breaks for you! It is so horrible to lose a friend, especially when you don’t feel as if you’ve done anything to deserve that loss! I understand that sometimes people just grow apart but ignoring all of your attempts to get in touch really is a bit callous! I hope you’re able to heal and that in future you’ll be able to find a friend who will stick by you – you deserve that!

    Abbey 🍂 http://www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

  16. Oh, Jenny, this is such a brave and honest post.
    I can’t really begin to understand what you’re going through, but I’m afraid that I have a friend that has been keeping me at a distance. The last I heard from her was in March when she had left college and had to leave her job because of her health.

    A Sparkle Of Grace

  17. I am going through this very thing with two friends at the exact same time. One of them I’ve know for almost 14 years. The other just a year. And like you said I know I didn’t do anything wrong because I over analyze EVERYTHING. So I kinda understand what you’re going through, and if you EVER need to talk to someone let me know! 💖

  18. I am so sorry that you are going through this, however, you are not the only going through this. If that helps aha I went through the same thing, a friend just not messaging me and spending all her time with her boyfriend and then eventually we just never spoke and that was that.
    My first thought was I was sad but then I realised I am better off without her, no more stress worry why she didnt reply or self-believe when she went out with her other friends.
    It was the best thing ever that ever happens, you will be a better person and you will make new friends if you need to chat I am here. xox

  19. Jenny this is so sad! I really can’t belueve that they contacted you and then they ignored that horrible and to do it more than once x

    Kayleigh Zara 🌿www.kayleighzaraa.com

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