I’m not writing this for your benefit. I doubt you’ll ever see it. I’m writing it because I feel I need to for my own sake. I feel like I need to, to finally get all my thoughts out and in a way, find closure. Because that’s all that’s left now, isn’t it? There’s no salvaging this one anymore.
And the sad thing is, there’s no real reason why. You didn’t kiss my boyfriend behind my back or make fun of me or any typical “thing” that may cause a friendship to split up. You didn’t do anything. But I think that’s the problem. You did nothing at all. If you do read this, you’ll probably know who you are but I don’t want an explanation.
You were my oldest friend and one of the only friends I still had left after I was diagnosed with anxiety, disappeared off the planet and was barely seen again. Everyone else gave up on me, called me a bad friend and didn’t bother inviting me places anymore because chances are, I was going to say no because my anxiety stopped me doing so much stuff. That really fucking hurt. But you were still there and we still saw each other. Not often but it was enough.
We got older – naturally – and life got in the way a bit. As it does for everyone. New boyfriends, new lifestyles, babies, jobs – you name it. But we still managed occasionally. Until one day, we didn’t. I still remember the last time I saw you – I was going through a really, really shit time and my mental health was in tatters. You told me you’re always about if I needed to chat and that’s probably the biggest lie anyone has ever told me.
After that, I tried to get in touch with you; text, WhatsApp, Facebook you name it. I messaged you over 6 times in the space of a year and you ignored me. You sent me a letter apologising and that you hoped we could meet up again and I was thrilled – if not a bit confused. Then guess what? The same thing happened again. I was ignored. You don’t even bother saying happy birthday to me any more.
I have no doubt that you’ve probably been through tough times too. They always put a strain on friendships and I get that and I know that sometimes you have to pick your priorities. But we could have been there for each other and whatever I was going through and whatever you were going through, we could have both had a friend for a bit of support. But for some reason, you didn’t want that. I had done nothing wrong. I know that for a fact. If I’ve done something wrong to someone, it plays on my mind so I would know if I had upset you in some way.
But I hadn’t. I’ve never done anything wrong which is what hurts the most. I would have loved to have been there for you with whatever shit you were going through. And I would have loved to still have a friend – one of the very, very few I have now. I know friendships naturally split sometimes and that’s fine but I didn’t deserve to be completely and utterly ignored for a year and a half. Only then to be ignored again. It’s not fair.
I wish you well with everything; whatever it is you’re doing now. I hope you’re doing okay and that your lovely little family is fine. I really do. I’m sorry you felt the need to cut me out of your life so suddenly, so maliciously and so certainly. And I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you – even thought I know I haven’t. I know you probably don’t think about me at all any more – I’ll just be that invisible space where a friend used to be. But I think about you sometimes and it makes me sad. And it makes me sadder that one of the longest and most solid friendships I had is unceremoniously over.