You would have heard me talk about it time and time again, how I’m addicted to productivity. I have this incessant need to be doing something productive 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I work for myself and I work from home, so I know that has certainly impacted this shift in me because if I don’t work and work hard… I don’t get money. I can’t afford to slack. I can’t afford to have down days. But I also can’t afford to burn myself out by pushing and pushing and pushing myself. I’m well aware that we all need down-time and a period in our day to relax. I know that. So why can’t I implement that for myself?
Although being productive and organised are wonderful skills and traits to have – I very rarely think anything nice about myself (I touched on that in this post), so I’m sure as heck going to compliment myself where compliments are due – but I’m also fully aware that this isn’t healthy. And my problem is, is that I want everything done yesterday. I want to have achieved everything 2 weeks ago. I want to be 3 years ahead of where I really am, 4 months ago. I’m in a rush to do, achieve and cross every goal off my list. But why?
And I don’t have an answer. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea. Some part of me seems to think I’m 95, not 25. I have time. I have time. I know I will achieve what I want. I’m young. Things will improve. I will continue to work hard. I have time. But why does it feel like I don’t? Why am I so convinced that I don’t? I’m currently writing this post, for April at the beginning of March. I had started on my April content in February. And I already have posts scheduled for May. Although this takes a huge weight off my shoulders, why am I working myself to the ground to appear so god damn achieved to the outside world? Who really cares?
It’s something I’ve definitely been working on lately because I’ve identified – finally – that it is a problem and will only get worse if I don’t recognize it and do something about it. I’m trying to live in the moment more and not plan ahead to this evening, this weekend, next month. I’m staying on top of things so I don’t get stressed – and staying on top of things is really important to me – but at the same time cutting myself some slack at times when things can’t get done for whatever reason (like this weekend just gone – which was awful). I’m trying to recognize how much I have achieved in this time instead of just worrying about what else I have to do.
This is clearly just a very word-vomitty type post, which I hope you don’t mind! It’s something that’s literally constantly on my mind. Like, constantly. So I thought maybe getting it written down will help and hopefully will be able to chat to someone who either feels the same, or has some advice for me! Do you feel like time is running out, when it isn’t? Are you also under an odd illusion that you need to have achieved everything already? How do you manage those feelings?