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Does it even matter

I rarely write posts which are unplanned, unstructured and spur of the moment. My Type A, obsessive, stressy, organised personality just doesn’t do that. So only a handful of times in my blogging life have I just whacked WordPress open and started typing of my own accord because I had something on my mind which I wanted to write about. This is one of those times. In fact, it almost wasn’t. Typically, I have a “blog post ideas” note on my phone (along with 50 other notes and lists of various things) which I was just going to add this idea to, to write at a later time but then I thought, why the f would I do that? It’s on my mind now. So stop being so goddamn uptight and write. So that’s what I’m doing. Obviously. 

About 4.5 minutes ago from now (at the time of writing), I had a thought which has definitely cropped up before to certain degrees but I’ve never really given it much lime-light. It didn’t seem like a thought worthy of limelight and you’ll understand why that is. I suddenly thought and wondered whether anything I was actually doing even mattered. I tweeted about it and had some responses to say that other people felt that way too. It’s clearly quite a universal thought among us human race. Does anything matter.

I don’t have the answer but I can’t stop thinking and wondering about it. As I’m sitting here, wasting 15 minutes writing this post, pondering about whether writing this post matters, I could be off doing something else which equally, doesn’t matter. Does anything really matter. I guess this all boils down to the argument and discussion about life, purpose and why the freaking heck are we here. I’m sure you have your own opinions about that one.

Earlier today, I found out that a girl I went to school with is going to be cast in Hollyoaks. She was always a talented girl; could sing, dance, act, got great grades, had a bunch of friends, was sickeningly pretty and worst of all, was really nice to go with it. She’s had a successful acting career since leaving school, she was cast in Wicked and now has landed a role in Hollyoaks. As I’m finding this out, I’m sitting in bed at quarter to 7 on a Tuesday evening, watching Friends for the hundredth time and eating a sausage sandwich. The ketchup of which, was all over my face.

It was then on when I began to wonder whether anything I’m doing or have done really matters; to me or anybody else. Am I just pretending it matters so I don’t go completely nuts and drive myself into a big, black hole of nothingness? Have I conjured up a false sense of “matterness” to give myself some sort of purpose and to make me not feel so bad for how shit everything got after I left school, how I didn’t go after what I wanted and my life changed forever.

Or was I just in a rut. I mean, I had been in a little bit of a blogging rut at the time of writing. My phone broke back in May so I was completely out of whack with what I was doing, I didn’t blog in weeks or do anything remotely blogging related. It’s was hard to get back into it but slowly but surly, I did. I wonder whether my thoughts about this will change now I’m back in Super-Jenny mode or whether me being super productive is just another way for me to dull this feeling.

And of course, I’ve not looked over the fact that comparison can have a huge impact on us and how we view ourselves and what we do. No, I might not be a successful actress, having played one of the most famous parts up the West End and now landed myself a role on TV, are financially secure, have a fiancé and a house and aren’t riddled with anxiety every day. I’m no where near that. But, have I made some small impact? Somewhere?

I guess all of this has just left me feeling very small and wondering what the point is. This all sounds very morbid and depressing, I know but as predicated, getting it written down really has released something. And at least I may be able to get some other people’s insight into it in the comments. I can’t be the only person who has felt this way, albeit only temporarily.

I’m done with my word vomit now, if you have any thoughts on this post, do leave them in the comments!

Jenny in Neverland

Twenty-something lifestyle blogger from Essex. Book lover, Slytherin, organisational wizard and enjoys Motorsport, Disney and Yoga.

63 Comments

  1. I get what you’re saying. But I think in life you do what makes you happy.

    http://littlemissmelanie.com

    1. Yeah that’s true but even if it makes you happy, is it worth it?

  2. I relate a lot to this. I often feel like nothing I do, nothing anyone does, really matters. At all. And sometimes that feeling really gets me down – or me feeling down makes me think that. Not sure which. But I guess at the end of the day, some things do matter more than others. We are here, and we have the time we have, and the most important thing is that we’re filling our time with things that we enjoy, make us feel good, or at least have positive consequences. And often, those are things that do matter, because we as humans seem to be pre-programmed to want to do inherently good things, connect with others, help others. This blog post, for instance, helped me, because I’m not sure I’ve ever really seen anyone else express a similar feeling to mine. So, thank you. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I often get in these moods when I’m down – it’s not these moods that make me feel down. So you know, there’s something in this happiness malarkey!

  3. Mummy Cat says:

    I think we all go through this at one point or another, one persons success isn’t another, I always look at what I have achieved and compare.. i dont work but ive raised three amazing children.. i think we all need to sit back and think over it all but not feel bad about it..

    also yes for ketchup on a sausage sandwich, its the ONLY way to live

    1. You’re so right x

  4. I feel so similar to you on this. I went to uni with a girl who now has a PhD, her own home, and travels constantly. I, on the other hand, did nothing with my degree, don’t have a job, and barely leave the house. It’s so hard not to compare yourself to others, and it’s definitely easy to fall into the trap of thinking there’s no point to anything you do. But honestly, if it makes you happy, even for a few minutes, there’s a point. You have most definitely made an impact, too. You are so hardworking, talented and intelligent. Just because you aren’t in Hollyoaks doesn’t mean you are less worthy.
    Beth x

    1. Hahahaha just cos you aren’t in Hollyoaks 😂😂 I wouldn’t want to be but I know what you mean! xxx

  5. I’m definitely not the type of person that can just open and write lol I need outlines and everything

  6. Kirstie Wheeler says:

    I totally feel you, I spend large amounts of my day wondering ‘what is the point, and does this even matter?’ When these thoughts crop up I try to do things that I know matter to me… I also have a ‘ten-minute rule’, if I am doing something and feel all ugh, I try and stick at it for ten minutes and if I still feel all ugh, I try doing something else.

    If it matters to you, then it matters.

    Kirstie

    1. That’s a great rule! xxx

  7. This was my thought process for the longest time after I got diagnosed with depression. Now, it might now be completely 100% related to having that mental issue but I’m kind of glad medication fixed me. From time to time I still get into this dark place and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way 😳 I really do hope you recover from this dark place because no one deserves this. Stay strong.

    1. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through those awfully dark thoughts, they can be so debilitating xxx

  8. I can relate to this feeling. I think it’s a universal human emotion that everyone (at some point or another) feels in life. But in my opinion, if you’re questioning your self-worth, you are probably worth way more than you give yourself credit for.

    I know that whenever I read one of your posts, your personality jumps off of the page and I feel connected. That in itself is a beautiful thing- a gift that very few bloggers today have. I believe you are doing something very worth-while. 🙂 x

    1. Awh thank you so much that’s so lovely to hear and I’m glad my posts come across that way xxx

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