Does it even matter

I rarely write posts which are unplanned, unstructured and spur of the moment. My Type A, obsessive, stressy, organised personality just doesn’t do that. So only a handful of times in my blogging life have I just whacked WordPress open and started typing of my own accord because I had something on my mind which I wanted to write about. This is one of those times. In fact, it almost wasn’t. Typically, I have a “blog post ideas” note on my phone (along with 50 other notes and lists of various things) which I was just going to add this idea to, to write at a later time but then I thought, why the f would I do that? It’s on my mind now. So stop being so goddamn uptight and write. So that’s what I’m doing. Obviously. 

About 4.5 minutes ago from now (at the time of writing), I had a thought which has definitely cropped up before to certain degrees but I’ve never really given it much lime-light. It didn’t seem like a thought worthy of limelight and you’ll understand why that is. I suddenly thought and wondered whether anything I was actually doing even mattered. I tweeted about it and had some responses to say that other people felt that way too. It’s clearly quite a universal thought among us human race. Does anything matter.

I don’t have the answer but I can’t stop thinking and wondering about it. As I’m sitting here, wasting 15 minutes writing this post, pondering about whether writing this post matters, I could be off doing something else which equally, doesn’t matter. Does anything really matter. I guess this all boils down to the argument and discussion about life, purpose and why the freaking heck are we here. I’m sure you have your own opinions about that one.

Earlier today, I found out that a girl I went to school with is going to be cast in Hollyoaks. She was always a talented girl; could sing, dance, act, got great grades, had a bunch of friends, was sickeningly pretty and worst of all, was really nice to go with it. She’s had a successful acting career since leaving school, she was cast in Wicked and now has landed a role in Hollyoaks. As I’m finding this out, I’m sitting in bed at quarter to 7 on a Tuesday evening, watching Friends for the hundredth time and eating a sausage sandwich. The ketchup of which, was all over my face.

It was then on when I began to wonder whether anything I’m doing or have done really matters; to me or anybody else. Am I just pretending it matters so I don’t go completely nuts and drive myself into a big, black hole of nothingness? Have I conjured up a false sense of “matterness” to give myself some sort of purpose and to make me not feel so bad for how shit everything got after I left school, how I didn’t go after what I wanted and my life changed forever.

Or was I just in a rut. I mean, I had been in a little bit of a blogging rut at the time of writing. My phone broke back in May so I was completely out of whack with what I was doing, I didn’t blog in weeks or do anything remotely blogging related. It’s was hard to get back into it but slowly but surly, I did. I wonder whether my thoughts about this will change now I’m back in Super-Jenny mode or whether me being super productive is just another way for me to dull this feeling.

And of course, I’ve not looked over the fact that comparison can have a huge impact on us and how we view ourselves and what we do. No, I might not be a successful actress, having played one of the most famous parts up the West End and now landed myself a role on TV, are financially secure, have a fiancé and a house and aren’t riddled with anxiety every day. I’m no where near that. But, have I made some small impact? Somewhere?

I guess all of this has just left me feeling very small and wondering what the point is. This all sounds very morbid and depressing, I know but as predicated, getting it written down really has released something. And at least I may be able to get some other people’s insight into it in the comments. I can’t be the only person who has felt this way, albeit only temporarily.

I’m done with my word vomit now, if you have any thoughts on this post, do leave them in the comments!

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63 thoughts on “Does it even matter

  1. I get like this a lot. I feel like a zombie just going through the motions of society and for what? I have that bit of hope though that someday I will get the lightbulb moment and know what I want from life and things will be better. I was going to say don’t compare yourself and remember all the good things you do but does that really do anyone any good? So I will just say keep onto that bit of home that things will happen and never let go of your dreams.

  2. I can relate to the feeling that you’re doing something that doesn’t matters but I think it is important to think if you are happy doing it, it matters. Because you are choosing to bring a good impact on your own life and that always matters. I also think the relationships we build with the people around us parents, partners, siblings, friends,employees or even smiling at a stranger on a street all matter because you have the ability to make their day better and build connections which is such an important part in life. I like to hold on to that, that you matter to people closest to you.
    Also I always enjoying reading your blog and you give me joy reading so you have had a impact on me so thank you. x

  3. Oops pressed enter somehow, anyway- having kids changed my perspective on what matters a lot. A friend from college was living in a beautiful countryside cottage being a successful photographer and seemed way ahead of me in life, it felt harsh and a blow to my confidence especially as I’d struggled with anxiety and made a bit of a mess of my degree. Years later I saw this person and she had gone through a very difficult break up and was envious of my family and how my life appeared ha I told her it isn’t at all as amazing as it seems and we laughed. I think making a difference to others, being kind, being helpful, inspiring people to do well & be the best they can be is what matters, and people do that in very different & diverse ways

  4. I think we’ve all felt this way better in one way or another. Just like someone else said above, it has to start with you and how you feel. Does this matter to you? Is this something you feel is worth doing? Why do you do it? Just because someone is extremely successful doesn’t mean you aren’t. What matters to others may not be what matters to you and that’s ok. That’s the great thing about being different and being exactly who we are. As long as you love what you do that is all that matters. Life is too short to do something otherwise. Figure out what you want, what that looks like and go for it. And if it’s blogging, all of us will be here everyday reading your posts and supporting you.

  5. This is so relatable Jenny. I’ve often struggled with these thoughts and find that if I compare myself to others I feel so inferior. I look around at all my old friends which have now got married and have their own families and I can’t even comfort myself and say ‘well at least I have a career’. It is so depressing so I just try to focus on the positives and what I do have (easier said than done, I know).

    You are a brilliant blogger and always an inspiration to me, you have given me hope that you can become a full-time blogger and make an income from doing what you love. So to answer your question, yes I do think what you do matters and you have made a positive impact on me 💖 xx

    Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com

    • I’m totally with you on the first thing you said; so many people I went to school with are either married, have kids, have a house, an amazing career and I can’t compare to that because I don’t and ugh. Comparison sucks!

      I’m so glad you feel that way about my blog though, I really am and I’m so glad that I’ve had a positive impact on you 💕 However you have on me too, you’ve quickly become one of my favourites out there! xxx

  6. I’ve had feelings like this before, and the one question you need to ask yourself is: does what you do make you happy? Don’t worry about if you think it matters. Don’t worry about if it’s making a difference. Don’t worry about anything anyone else says or thinks or does. Does it make you happy? If the answer is yes, then it matters.
    That’s what I’m trying to live by at the moment. If it makes me happy, it matters. If I happen to help someone else by doing it then bonus! (And FYI, you have made a difference to me personally. I’ve only just started blogging, and you’ve been so nice and your posts are so helpful. But my opinion doesn’t matter, you should be doing it for you.)
    I hope this has made you feel even the teeniest bit better. I’m always here if you want to talk. xo

    • Awh thank you so much I really appreciate you saying this and I’m glad my blog has helped you 💕 blogging and what I do definitely does make me happy which I’m grateful for but I wonder whether that’s enough sometimes. But that’s a great attitude to have xxx

  7. I struggle with this quite a bit; I keep wondering if I’m just kidding myself when I think I could make anything of my life and be successful with my own business. I see people who rock at blogging (you being one of those people!) and I feel so crap in comparison. But thats the problem; I’m comparing myself to other people, all of which are in different situations, with different skills and levels of support compared to me.

    I think you’re an amazing blogger and you’ve defiantly helped me with your blog and just by being such a nice person in general!xx

    Jade | jademarie.co.uk

    • Comparison really doesn’t help when you feel like this, does it? And social media makes it almost impossible not to compare yourself to everyone and everything. You say that about me but I definitely feel that way too, I think everyone has their insecurities! xxx

  8. I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m primarily based on IG, but on both platforms I feel insignificant, and it sucks. We’re all super guilty of comparing ourselves to other people as well, and we really shouldn’t but social media doesn’t help us in that regard at all. I hope you feel better about it all soon though (however temporary that will be) 🙂

    • Thank you and I agree social media has made it almost impossible for anyone to be happy about anything they’re doing cos you always compare yourself to someone else who’s doing better xxx

  9. I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately. Been in a rut with my blog and feel like people are excelling and doing so much more than I am. I put so much time and effort in that I end up feeling super deflated 😞

    Laura ☆ laurahasablog.co.uk

    • Awh I’m sorry to hear that. Honestly though, even when things are going well with blogging like they are for me right now, you can still feel like that. It’s a very normal feeling just not pleasant one unfortunately xxx

  10. Your blog is read and commented on by loads of people, Jenny, which is a big achievement! and you have invented a wonderful new word, ‘matterness’. I love the existentialness of this post

  11. I can definitely relate to this. Sometimes it can just feel like I’m going through the motions or I just end up questioning everything. Thanks for sharing such an honest post, well done. Just want to say you and your blog definitely matters. You’ve put a tremendous amount of work into it and that’s a huge achievement. It’s definitely only natural to compare ourselves to others. I do believe that what you do matters and has such a positive impact on not only me but lots of other bloggers and your readers. Take care 🙂

  12. I’ve been feeling a lot like this lately. I keep telling myself that as long as what I’m doing makes me happy, then that is all that matters but it’s hard to actually accept that. x

  13. Hey Jenny! This is such a beautifully honest post – I understand exactly what you mean. Please continue to remind yourself that – with regards to your schoolmate’s acting career success – we each experience success and happiness in our lives at different moments. There isn’t a set age at which you should achieve/have achieved something, whether that’s professionally or personally. As long as you’re doing what you enjoy doing, you’re on the right track.

    Sending you good vibes for a wonderful weekend!

    Nati x | Blog: http://www.curatedbynati.com | Twitter: @curatedbynati

  14. I think everything you do matters – I mean not everything is going to be super life changing but the fact that you’re doing something counts! If someone is negative about whatever you’re doing or sharing, that is their problem. I thought it’s cool that you went to school with someone who’s going to be in Hollyoaks. Hey, life is not about comparing yourself to others. We all have our own stories and chilling at 7pm doesn’t make you any less successful. ♥

    Nancy ♥ exquisitely.me

    • Haha you’re so right. Yeah I can’t remember the characters name she plays because I don’t watch it but she’s an old character who was played by someone else that they’ve brought back xxx

  15. Hi Jenny! I relate to this post so much. I used to compare myself a lot earlier but have learned that it only damages us. Instead I have tried to direct all my energy to doing things that gives me happiness and no one else is doing in my circle. Though I have not shared my blog with anyone, but it makes ME feel better. That I am doing something that no one else is, even though I don’t earn anything from it. I wish I earned a little and it would make a lot of difference then. These thoughts always come to my mind and make me feel a little unhappy. 🙂
    You are doing great Jenny. You blog is so inspirational and motivates me that I can do something in life and that is what matters. YOU are helping others in so many ways Jenny.

    Via | http://glossnglitters.com

  16. I feel like this a lot too! Just feel like sometimes I’m going through the motions and need to take time to take stock and smell the coffee!
    Rosie

  17. I can relate to this feeling. I think it’s a universal human emotion that everyone (at some point or another) feels in life. But in my opinion, if you’re questioning your self-worth, you are probably worth way more than you give yourself credit for.

    I know that whenever I read one of your posts, your personality jumps off of the page and I feel connected. That in itself is a beautiful thing- a gift that very few bloggers today have. I believe you are doing something very worth-while. 🙂 x

  18. This was my thought process for the longest time after I got diagnosed with depression. Now, it might now be completely 100% related to having that mental issue but I’m kind of glad medication fixed me. From time to time I still get into this dark place and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way 😳 I really do hope you recover from this dark place because no one deserves this. Stay strong.

  19. I totally feel you, I spend large amounts of my day wondering ‘what is the point, and does this even matter?’ When these thoughts crop up I try to do things that I know matter to me… I also have a ‘ten-minute rule’, if I am doing something and feel all ugh, I try and stick at it for ten minutes and if I still feel all ugh, I try doing something else.

    If it matters to you, then it matters.

    Kirstie

    Kirstiekinsblogs

  20. I feel so similar to you on this. I went to uni with a girl who now has a PhD, her own home, and travels constantly. I, on the other hand, did nothing with my degree, don’t have a job, and barely leave the house. It’s so hard not to compare yourself to others, and it’s definitely easy to fall into the trap of thinking there’s no point to anything you do. But honestly, if it makes you happy, even for a few minutes, there’s a point. You have most definitely made an impact, too. You are so hardworking, talented and intelligent. Just because you aren’t in Hollyoaks doesn’t mean you are less worthy.
    Beth x Adventure & Anxiety

  21. I think we all go through this at one point or another, one persons success isn’t another, I always look at what I have achieved and compare.. i dont work but ive raised three amazing children.. i think we all need to sit back and think over it all but not feel bad about it..

    also yes for ketchup on a sausage sandwich, its the ONLY way to live

  22. I relate a lot to this. I often feel like nothing I do, nothing anyone does, really matters. At all. And sometimes that feeling really gets me down – or me feeling down makes me think that. Not sure which. But I guess at the end of the day, some things do matter more than others. We are here, and we have the time we have, and the most important thing is that we’re filling our time with things that we enjoy, make us feel good, or at least have positive consequences. And often, those are things that do matter, because we as humans seem to be pre-programmed to want to do inherently good things, connect with others, help others. This blog post, for instance, helped me, because I’m not sure I’ve ever really seen anyone else express a similar feeling to mine. So, thank you. 🙂

    • Thank you so much for your comment, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I often get in these moods when I’m down – it’s not these moods that make me feel down. So you know, there’s something in this happiness malarkey!

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