I’m closer to 30. F**k.

It’s my birthday tomorrow, I’m going to be 26 years old, I’m sitting here writing this post listening to Disney songs and I genuinely feel like I’m never going to grow up. When I was 15, I thought, ‘wow, 26 year old’s are proper adults, doing adult things’. But now I’m there (well, almost) I couldn’t feel less like how my naive little 15 year-old self thought I would at this age. Ugh, it’s weird and it’s freaking me out a bit. 

I tend to go through these sort of thought processes a lot when it comes to my birthday and I sorta kinda explained it in this post I wrote ages ago about why I don’t really like my own birthday. I find it odd and weird and difficult for a whole bunch of reasons and I can’t help but fret that it’s only going to get worse as I get older.

The thing that gets me the most is all the things that never were. All the dreams I had and how growing up, I was so convinced life would be so easy and good and all those plans would run smoothly and I’d achieve all my goals in a heartbeat. How hard can it be? Just go to college, go to uni, get your degree, get your dream job, buy a house and a car.

But little did I know back then that mental illness would shove those dreams down the drain for Pennywise to eat along with poor little Georgie’s arm. I didn’t even take into account that circumstances might change, that I might change. Until I did. 

Of course I know you’re never too old to stop dreaming, to stop having plans and to stop wanting to achieve stuff and before anyone comments it (if you mention this next point in the comments then I’ll know you didn’t read the post properly) I know I’m not old. I know 26 is still young and I still have plenty of time to do what I want, to change my mind, to achieve my goals. But it’s just more difficult to think rationally when I’m very aware that suddenly, just like that, I’m another year older.

And it’s that notion of time, too. The stark reminder that time moves so damn fast. Ugh, stop.

Anyway, this post is getting a bit morbid and turning into a bit of a word vomit so I’m going to round it up. If you, like me, don’t enjoy your birthday for whatever reason then you’ll understand my thoughts and feelings behind this post. If you absolutely love your birthday and have no idea what I’m really talking about… lucky you.

I’m not going to expect great changes this year, I’m not going to do the whole, “26 will be my year!” because if I’ve learnt anything, it’s that expectations often lead to disappointments. So it’s better not to expect anything at all. And if something good happens? Well, that’s just the icing on top of the cake.

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127 thoughts on “I’m closer to 30. F**k.

  1. I really don’t mind my birthday but I also don’t put pressure on myself to achieve the typical milestones. I see age as a number, and life is not a race. So often, I feel like people put too much pressure on themselves. There will always be someone more successful and someone less successful than you. It’s all about finding your own journey, and making your own decisions. At 33, I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. It’s a great feeling when you stop worrying about what others think of you.

    Jennifer | Mrs Q Beauty

  2. Regardless of whether things went to plan, you sound very grounded and very aware of reality. It’s something I’m learning as I begin my second year of college; I know life isn’t going to go exactly as I always imagined, but I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. So if I feel like I’m stuck in something, I remind myself that it’s probably so I can grow more and be prepared to leave it and succeed in the next chapter.

  3. I do feel you on this. I’m 29 soon and the fact I’m a year away from 30 and haven’t achieved basically anything is terrifying for me. I stress about it constantly but at the same time, I try to remember it’s just a number. We’re all on different paths and we’ll get there eventually!
    Beth x Adventure & Anxiety

  4. Really interesting post, Jenny. I have never talked about ageing on my blog but it’s something I have never had much of a problem with in terms of how I feel. I’m not really sure why. I actually turn 35 next month and, although, occasionally, my brain does a little comparison to someone, it never really gets me down in any way (thankfully!). One of the things that I think helps, and this applies to my mental health too, is that acceptance is freedom. Not that anyone should just accept everything life throws at them because if we want change we should strive for it. But accepting that life is what we make it is very freeing and enables a level of contentment. As I said, really interesting to read other perspectives so thanks for sharing your insights.

    Amy

  5. I just turned 33 this year; I had married at 24, started working for Disney at 24 as well, had a mental break down at 29 cause my husband was a piece of shit, got divorced at 30, moved away from Disney to Texas at 32.

    Definitely not what I had planned or imagined but I figured I had always planned to kill myself at 18 so I’m just winging everything and I still feel that way. I hated the idea of turning 30 and I hated it even more once I realized I would need to file for divorce.

    Life never turns out how you want, and I learned that age doesn’t matter. My bf now just turned 26 and he is MUCH MUCH more of an adult than I am lol

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