It’s my birthday tomorrow, I’m going to be 26 years old, I’m sitting here writing this post listening to Disney songs and I genuinely feel like I’m never going to grow up. When I was 15, I thought, ‘wow, 26 year old’s are proper adults, doing adult things’. But now I’m there (well, almost) I couldn’t feel less like how my naive little 15 year-old self thought I would at this age. Ugh, it’s weird and it’s freaking me out a bit.
I tend to go through these sort of thought processes a lot when it comes to my birthday and I sorta kinda explained it in this post I wrote ages ago about why I don’t really like my own birthday. I find it odd and weird and difficult for a whole bunch of reasons and I can’t help but fret that it’s only going to get worse as I get older.
The thing that gets me the most is all the things that never were. All the dreams I had and how growing up, I was so convinced life would be so easy and good and all those plans would run smoothly and I’d achieve all my goals in a heartbeat. How hard can it be? Just go to college, go to uni, get your degree, get your dream job, buy a house and a car.
But little did I know back then that mental illness would shove those dreams down the drain for Pennywise to eat along with poor little Georgie’s arm. I didn’t even take into account that circumstances might change, that I might change. Until I did.
Of course I know you’re never too old to stop dreaming, to stop having plans and to stop wanting to achieve stuff and before anyone comments it (if you mention this next point in the comments then I’ll know you didn’t read the post properly) I know I’m not old. I know 26 is still young and I still have plenty of time to do what I want, to change my mind, to achieve my goals. But it’s just more difficult to think rationally when I’m very aware that suddenly, just like that, I’m another year older.
And it’s that notion of time, too. The stark reminder that time moves so damn fast. Ugh, stop.
Anyway, this post is getting a bit morbid and turning into a bit of a word vomit so I’m going to round it up. If you, like me, don’t enjoy your birthday for whatever reason then you’ll understand my thoughts and feelings behind this post. If you absolutely love your birthday and have no idea what I’m really talking about… lucky you.
I’m not going to expect great changes this year, I’m not going to do the whole, “26 will be my year!” because if I’ve learnt anything, it’s that expectations often lead to disappointments. So it’s better not to expect anything at all. And if something good happens? Well, that’s just the icing on top of the cake.