You’ll know by now that I don’t often write these sort of, word vomit style posts. Most of my posts have a purpose to them (see what I did there?) and an objective. But this topic is something that’s been really playing on my mind a lot lately – especially since I’ve just turned 29. It seems to be all that I think about and it’s actually getting me into quite the funk.
But I can’t imagine I’m alone in how I feel here so I wanted to talk about it. Partially because writing is therapeutic and I’ll probably feel a little better after this and partially because I want anyone else feeling the same way to know that they’re not alone.
When we’re bombarded with social media posts on every platform under the sun about people having babies, getting married, travelling, getting job promotions, finding their purpose or passion or whatever, it’s INCREDIBLY easy to question those things within our own lives.
Comparison is something I’ve never been able to handle or break the habit of doing.
Truth is, I’ve always been a bit fickle.
I grew up changing my mind about what I wanted to do with my life every 10 minutes. I tried every hobby, sport and instrument under the sun and never stuck to anything. I never had that ONE thing I was super good at, that people knew me for being good at.
I went into sixth form taking classes I didn’t really want to take just because my friends took them. I didn’t go to University because there was nothing I wanted to do enough that I was prepared to get into debt for.
I then had no idea what career I wanted or what path I wanted to take. Then my anxiety started and those options were taken away from me completely.
Although my anxiety disorder is no longer present in my life and I’ve built my blog and career from scratch, do I feel like this is my purpose? Writing about self care, personal growth and wellness? No. Not one bit.
That’s not to say I don’t like my career and I’m not proud of what I’ve achieved – I absolutely am.
But this isn’t what I set myself out to do. This isn’t what I planned to do. This isn’t what I see myself doing forever.
And like I mentioned, I’ve just turned 29. I’m a PROPER ADULT now. So what about children? Is having children and raising children my purpose that I just haven’t realized yet? (Because I do believe that children are some women’s purpose and that’s amazing).
I don’t think so. Would I like kids? Yes. But if I don’t have them I don’t think I’d be devastated. I think I’d be able to continue on with my life quite happily.
Which brings me to the point of this post…
I truly don’t think I have a purpose.
I’ve had small purposes that have been scattered throughout my life.
I worked hard on my GCSE’s for the purpose of getting into sixth form college. I went to therapy and take medication for the purpose of managing my anxiety and mental illness.
And as with everybody, I go through the day doing things for the purpose of something else.
I exercise for the purpose of taking care of my body. I drive somewhere for the purpose of getting from A to B. I eat for the purpose of curbing hunger and fuelling my body.
But in terms of that big, profound purpose that everyone talks about? I think it skipped me.
I’ve taken countless courses on everything from business alignment to manifestation, all of which at some point or another talks about purpose.
And those were always the exercises I found the hardest. I thought about it for so long, usually coming up with some sort of rubbish that didn’t really align with me but I just rolled with it because I thought I needed to.
I’ve never had that a-ha! moment.
Truth is, I don’t know my purpose. Right now, I don’t feel like I have one.
Perhaps one day it’ll come to me. Crystal clear as water.
But maybe it won’t and that’s something I’ve got to learn to be okay with.
I’m going to wrap it up here because this really is a bit of a word jumble but I hope that if you’re feeling the same way or have had similar thoughts in the past about your purpose (or lack of it) that you know you’re not alone.
Maybe one day you’ll find it, maybe you won’t. But we can all just bumble along together until we do (or don’t).
And even if you don’t FEEL like you have a purpose, you’re still a human being worthy of love, abundance and good things. You don’t need to be saving the world in order to be worthy.