Every now and again I’ll just open WordPress and start typing with no inclination of where I’m going with it, other than a brief overview of the topic in question. Funnily enough, I always find these impromptu, spur of the moment word vomits tend to do really well in terms of views and engagement. I guess it’s because we’re all looking for something to relate to, right?
(These photos are only used to brighten up this post – they in no way reflect how I actually feel about turning 30)
Well this is going to be one of those posts. So buckle up because I have NO idea were we’re going with this.
But I do want to write *something* because I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about turning 30 this year. I turn 30 on the 4th September, so I currently have 5 days left of my 20’s which, in itself, is utterly terrifying.
It’s so funny to think back to when you were a teenager and 30 seemed SO grown up. Like, proper grown up. Yet as we’ve hurtled through our 20’s, we’ve realized that things don’t really change and we hit 30 still feeling like a lost 16 year old.
At least I do anyway.
I suffer a lot with comparison. It’s something I work tirelessly on, seeking the help of life coaching and other tools to help me help myself with comparing my life to other people’s. And I think 30 is one of the PRIME ages for that to occur.
30 is possibly the most dangerous age for those of us that compare.
There’s so much pressure when it comes to the big 3-0. If you’ve not bought your first house, got married and had a baby all the whilst having achieved your dream career and travelled the world, then you’ve somehow failed the test of the 20’s.
By 29, there’s an influx of subliminal messaging around all of the above which is no surprise that so many people feel weird and under pressure and in a state of anxiety around turning 30.
First and foremost, I don’t think 30 is “old”. I remember on Instagram once, saying I dreaded turning 30 and someone replied saying they were offended which was utterly ridiculous because we all have our own challenges around age and achievement.
Anyway, I’m going to break the remainder of this post down into sections otherwise I’ll never get my thoughts straight:
I’m bitter about the time my anxiety disorder took from me
This is something that’s very personal to me but a huge factor as to why I’m having so many confusing thoughts and feelings about turning 30. Ultimately, I think it’s because my 20’s weren’t really a “thing”, at least for the first 6 years or so.
My anxiety disorder changed and fundamentally ruined my life. I have no qualms about saying that. For a number of years, I was confined – physically and mentally – to a box where anxiety was coming at me from every direction.
I wasn’t doing the things you should do in your 20’s. No, not getting married or having babies. But going out with friends. Having fun. Travelling. Getting drunk. Listening to live music. Going for brunch. Having cocktails. Going on holiday.
I had no friends to do this with and even if I did, I couldn’t. Because my anxiety wouldn’t let me leave my bedroom.
But ultimately, my 20’s were a bit crap – so why am I dreading leaving them so much?
So that brings me on to my next conflicting point and that’s the fact that clearly, my 20’s were for the most part, a bit crap. So why am I so reluctant to accept leaving them behind?
This is a thought process I’ve grappled with on and off over the last year. The first time I came to this conclusion I thought, “ah! all my problems are solved!” but the feeling didn’t last long.
I think it’s okay to admit that my 20’s weren’t what I wanted them to be, yet I don’t want to leave behind the safety net of your 20’s, being a time where it’s okay to still make mistakes.
Oh the comparison game
Heading into my 30’s without my own home, unmarried, without a child and in a career I’m increasingly coming to dislike really f***s me up mentally. That might sound dramatic but that’s how I feel.
This is something that I just have to learn to live with an accept. I can’t have a kid and get married in 5 days, so I just have to try and accept the fact that those things didn’t happen for me in my 20’s and learn to be okay with that.
I know someone will tell me that “our timelines are all different!” and yes, they are. I’m under no illusion that they’re not. But the difference is, I WANTED those things. And I didn’t get them.
Feeing directionless
This is another thing that’s hugely personal to me right now and I’m surprised at myself for even sharing it but that’s feeling a sense of directionless in my life and yet another thing I’m working on tirelessly to try and navigate around at the moment.
Getting older does nothing to help those feelings of directionless in life. Especially as your 20’s are notoriously known as that decade that you should figure out who you are, what you want and how you want to live.
Not knowing what I want
Genuinely, I’m almost 30 years old and I still have no idea what I want in life or from life (not that life owes me anything). I feel scattered and unable to pin down anything tangible that I can grab from life right now.
I envy all those people who know, early on, that they want to be a mother. Or the exact career they want. Or the fact they want to travel. Like it’s something that allows them to breathe more easily.
I’ve never once in my life felt like that and as I approach 30, I become more and more aware of how much I’ve just floated through things without ever grasping any real meaning from any of them.
I guess I’m hoping I’ll wake up on the 4th and something will feel different, although I know it won’t.
I’ll be 30 but I’ll still feel like that lost 16 year old, grappling with all of the above and more. I’m not excited about turning 30. And I don’t need people to tell me “it’s just a number!” I know that.
I think it’s absolutely okay for people to struggle around turning a certain age and all those people that say it’s no big deal are ultimately undermining that other person’s feelings and struggles.
For some, turning 30 IS a big deal. It is for me.
I am simultaneously dreading and looking forward to entering a new decade of my life.
I have hopes, which I’m not going to get to high. And no concrete plans that I’ll be disappointed over if they don’t happen.
Overall, I’m feeling weird about turning 30. And that’s okay.