Since becoming self employed, starting an online business and starting a blog, I’ve found myself becoming increasingly and increasingly eager to do more and achieve more. Followers, likes, comments, amount of books read, projects to start (and probably not finish), money to raise for charity, more “stuff” to implement into my business. More and more and more stuff for me to do – whether I have the time to do it or not. I’m highly a Type A personality, I thrive off of organisation, getting stuff done, meeting deadlines and projects and often spend near enough the whole day from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed doing some kind of work related “thing”. Is this healthy? Probably not. But I never, ever used to be like this. Nowhere near.
I was always good in school. Always got my work done on time, always completed my homework and my homework was never late. So I’ve always had that “streak” in me. But back then I was handling it. It was healthy. I was a good kid who never got into trouble and just wanted to get her work completed on time and get semi-decent grades (which I did). But back then, I didn’t have the pressure of self-employment hanging over my head, urging me to do more, do more, do more. I did what was required of me, I did it to the best of my ability and moved on. If it was good enough, great! If it wasn’t, meh, I would learn.
But like all tings, life moved on and here I am at 24 unable to feel satisfied or a sense of achievement at anything I’m doing because I have this frantic woman in my head telling me I need to be starting a new project or blog every single day or get involved in more stuff that I know I don’t have the time or the energy for. There’s absolutely no doubt that self-employment has lead me into this somewhat dizzying hole; the fact that I am my own boss, I need to make my own money, I need to grow my own blog, I need to expand my own business, I need people to see me as a trustworthy source of business and there’s absolutely nobody – NOBODY – to do any of that for me. Except me.
It’s got to a worrying stage where nothing feels good enough. I don’t have enough followers, I’m not getting enough views, I’m not earning enough money, I’m not making a big enough name for myself. I want more. I’m not satisfied with my blog; even though deep down I know it’s good and I’m really proud of it. And please don’t for a second think this is all about money. It’s not and to me, nothing ever will be. There’s far more important things in life than money and I am probably the least materialistic person you will ever meet. I honestly can’t remember the last time I bought anything for myself. All my money goes straight into savings and that’s where it stays unless there’s an emergency.
It’s about personal satisfaction. Personal growth. And that’s where I’m feeling like I’m stagnating at this point in time. There wasn’t really an aim to this post, I’m most certainly not offering any wise advice for anyone else who feels this way because I’m definitely not in a position to be doing that. I just wanted to get it off my chest as it’s something that’s been niggling away at me for a very long time. I don’t want sympathy or praises (unless you genuine have something to say then please, say it), I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Maybe connect with someone who feels the same or has felt the same in the past. I hope you haven’t. But if you have, let’s discuss it.