If you were to compare me with any character on TV, it’d probably be a cross between Monica Gellar (from F.r.i.e.n.d.s) and Bree Van Der Kamp (from Desperate Housewives). If I was a mother (which I’m not and not planning to be anytime soon), I would be that mum who’s the head of the PTA, hosts bake sales, play dates among other events, has a job, a house, hobbies and thinks it’s also a good idea to buy an allotment. I’m not but in my vision for my future, that’s who I imagine myself to be. So what does that say about where I’m at now?
First of all, I just want to say that I deeply admire women. I admire how much we can cope with and how much we do on a daily basis. Mother’s, career-women, carers, students – whoever you are, you rock. But what I wanted to talk about today is my deep-set need to always be the “go girl“. To put it in perspective… I’m writing this post on November 12th. November. 12th. To be published in January. I am that far ahead with blog posts and whilst yes, it makes things much less stressful when January rolls around and I already have content for the month ready to go, is it strictly necessary? Not really. Does it make me better than anyone else? Nope. Is it healthy behavior? Hmmm, it can be. But in my case, I’m not sure it is.
I’m always on, on, on. To the point where I don’t give myself time to relax. And when I do, I’m not relaxing properly because I’m thinking about my next “on” task or my to-do list for the following day. I get days, like everyone, where I can’t bring myself to do anything, yes. This is usually down to my mental health and if I’m having a particularly rough mental health day the thought of even brushing my teeth is too much. But on average, I’m pretty much on it all the time. If I’m not writing blog posts, I’m thinking of post ideas. If I’m not doing that, I’m focusing on my book tour business. If I’m not doing that, I’m sorting out my room, making cakes which I don’t need to make (not for the pleasure of making them, just for the sake of feeling and looking productive to others) or brain-storming projects.
My attitude isn’t strictly healthy and my incessant need to make the outside world look at me and think “wow, she’s always on it. She’s so organised” certainly isn’t. As someone who preaches self care until she’s blue in the face, I certainly need to start practicing what I preach. I need to understand and realise that relaxing is good. Down-time is good. Not thinking about work or blogging or “tasks” or to-do lists is good. And not being productive every once in a while isn’t something to be ashamed about. When I grow up (haha, I’m 25, who am I kidding), I want to be that mum that people look at and think “wow, she’s really got it together. I don’t know how she does it“. But I also need to learn to be that person that knows when enough is enough and that they don’t need to hold the entire world on their shoulders in order to be seen as a role-model, an organised individual or a go-girl.