Phew, this post has been a long time coming. Again, it’s another one of my word-vomit, spontaneous, horribly written posts which I’ll look back on and realise it doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s a topic which has been firmly on my mind for well, fucking months and one that I need to talk about. For no other reason than to just get what I’m feeling off my chest, in the hope that it might make me feel a bit better and maybe, just maybe, someone reading this will feel the same and offer some insight.
To put things nice and easy and bluntly; I am bored. Bored with life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate saying and thinking that. It makes me feel ungrateful and selfish and I’m well aware that I am so fucking lucky to be on this Earth, to have a roof over my head, people that love me (although as limited as those are) and food to eat. I know, okay. And I know there are people that would give anything for that. But please, we’re not gonna do the whole, “someone has it worse!” charade because our own problems and feelings matter and they are valid. Your experience isn’t anyone else’s experience and your experience matters. Okay glad we’ve cleared that up.
A few months ago now, I felt the same as I do now and it was overwhelming. I felt overwhelmingly bored. I was sick of staring at the same walls, seeing the same people, doing the same thing and never doing anything different. I wondered whether it was the fact that I work from home that adds to this feeling but people who go out to work essentially do the same thing, see the same people and places. They just have a small commute in the middle. So in all honesty, I think I’d be feeling the same regardless of what I did for work. I love what I do and I’m so proud that I’ve built my own business up from scratch. It’s not that. It’s… something else.
Is it wanderlust I’m feeling? Do I need to up sticks and go somewhere? I’m not sure. I always thrive when I’m away on holiday, even short breaks. But I’ve never been one in desperate need of travel. I like the idea of settling down and being homely with kids and family dinners. My gosh I love that idea. But even then, people are still happy and not in desperate need of “something more”. Is it a change of… something? Routine? Again, I don’t know. I already don’t have your usual 9-5 routine as it is. I don’t know what it is. But all I know is that right now, something needs to change because I feel so overwhelmingly bored with life that I don’t know how much longer I can take before I rip my hair out in frustration. Maybe it’s not anything. Maybe it’s just me.
I want to go places, do stuff. Interesting stuff. But then I find when I actually do it, it’s not that interesting at all and a bit of a disappointment. Am I setting my goals and expectations too high? Is life supposed to be just a bit dull and mundane? It’s got to the point where I don’t look forward to things anymore because I already know that if I do and build them up to something in my head, I’ll be let down by how normal and mundane it actually was. It’s a sad, sorry state of mind to be in. When you don’t want to look forward to things because you already know you’ll be let down. Fuck.
This is a bit word-vomity I know. I don’t know what I’m getting at; whether I just wanna get it off my chest, finally say it out loud to myself and admit what I’m feeling, whether I’m hoping someone will come into the comments and grace me with complete enlightenment on how I’m feeling and how to come out the other side. I dunno. I’m sorry if this didn’t make sense. I’m sorry if I sound unreasonable. And I’m sorry I’m not grabbing my one and only life by the balls and ringing whatever I can out of it (bleugh that’s a fucking horrible sentence I’m so sorry!) because ultimately I know it won’t be worth it.