You would have heard me talk about it time and time again, how I’m addicted to productivity. I have this incessant need to be doing something productive 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I work for myself and I work from home, so I know that has certainly impacted this shift in me because if I don’t work and work hard… I don’t get money. I can’t afford to slack. I can’t afford to have down days. But I also can’t afford to burn myself out by pushing and pushing and pushing myself. I’m well aware that we all need down-time and a period in our day to relax. I know that. So why can’t I implement that for myself?
There was a time in my life where I felt like I was looking into a black hole of nothingness. I wasn’t depressed (at least, I don’t think I was) and I certainly wasn’t suicidal. It was a time where my anxiety was at it’s absolute worst. Not too long after it started, when I didn’t know what it was or how to cope with it. Besides, before October 2011, I didn’t even know what a panic attack was. I didn’t know what anxiety was, let alone what it felt like. I was a girl who pranced through life, going out as much as she possibly could, meeting people and literally – literally – didn’t have a care in the world.
I don’t write poetry. I don’t usually “get” poetry and it’s never been one of my favourite creative methods to both write or read. Can I blame it on school? On having that dreaded poetry anthology thrust upon us all in Year 9, in schools all over the country? Possibly. School certainly didn’t make poetry a fun experience; having to dissect every line, every word almost, constant analysis and notations. We were never really allowed to just read it, enjoy it and make of it what we wanted to – if anything.
Although I’m 25 (26 this year, oh dear God), I’m in absolutely no rush to have children. It’s in my life plan, I’d absolutely love to have a little one running around some day and it’d also give me a genuine excuse to watch Disney movies all day. Not the good old, “I wasn’t feeling 100% so I decided to take a self care day”. Amiright? With the world in the state it’s in, it genuinely does scare me to think about bringing a new child into it. I know that sounds lame but with so many social, political and environmental problems, what are we setting the adults of the future up for? However, I think our generation are fantastic role-models, advocates and hard-workers. Are we going to send our children into the world un-prepared? Hell fucking no.
* Clearly this elegant, beautiful child in this photo is me, it’s not some random kid
It’s inevitable that at some point or another, all of us are going to stop what we’re doing and think, “huh?”. Wonder where our career is going, whether our dreams are possible or if we’re getting real deep, what the meaning of it all is. I certainly have found myself in that situation more than once; most notably, right before I started blogging. I’ve never once had a more intense feeling of, “what’s the point” than then but fortunately I was pulled out of a dark, lost place by books and blogging which eventually got me to where I am today with my own business and a successful blog. Yay! However, I’m not naïve to the fact that I will probably get those feelings again. In the meantime though, I wanna share some of my own tips on what to do when you’re feeling a little lost in life.
Phew, this post has been a long time coming. Again, it’s another one of my word-vomit, spontaneous, horribly written posts which I’ll look back on and realise it doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s a topic which has been firmly on my mind for well, fucking months and one that I need to talk about. For no other reason than to just get what I’m feeling off my chest, in the hope that it might make me feel a bit better and maybe, just maybe, someone reading this will feel the same and offer some insight.
I love a to-do list. I love to-do lists more than life itself. And apart from when I’m on holiday, I don’t think I’ve got through a single day in the last 2 years without working from a to-do list. I am a super organised person and I thrive off of it; the thought of waking up and just going about your day terrifies me. What if I forget something? What if I’m not getting my priorities straight? I am your straight up, stereotypical Type A personality and whilst that’s great and all and I get a shit load done on a daily basis it definitely has it’s downsides. To-do lists are amazing but recently, I’ve been noticing downsides.
I said on Twitter last month that I wanted to start doing more personal posts on my blog; I kicked off this months selection of posts with probably the most personal post I’ve ever written and you know what? It felt good. It was scary. But it felt good having written it. This is my space on the internet after all – nobody else’s. Why can’t I talk about my private life, my personal problems and my own experiences?
This ain’t gonna be a fun post so if you’re not into that sorta thing then I’ll save you the trouble and recommend finding another blog to read and I’ll also quickly mention that this post is going to feature talk on self-image, self-confidence (or there lack of) and body dysmorphia so trigger warnings for any of those topics for anyone who is affected by them and would rather not read on, that’s cool, anyway, let’s get this over with.
Just to clarify before we get into it, the girl in the photo is me not just some random kid. And look how goddamn cute I was! I came home from a trip away to my boyfriend’s parents house “up norf” and saw this photo sitting in my parents bedroom. First of all, the frame is actually mine so I’m not so happy that my mum stole it but I thought it was cute nevertheless. I was looking at the photo whilst listening to Lea Michele’s version of “Wake Me Up” by Avicii (it’s a beautiful cover, you have to listen!) and all of a sudden I started crying. I know it sounds like I’m making this up but I’m not, genuinely, started to cry. For reals.